What the freak is that spiky hamster thing?

Meet Rexy the lowland streaked tenrec.

Yes that’s his actual name. As of now.

Rexy is on the hunt for a mate and he needs to be careful – a female that’s not receptive will warn him by erecting her quills. If ignored, the next place her spines are going are into his genitals. Literally.

Frank Vassen

Lowland streaked tenrecs almost exclusively eat worms and insects. Because who needs bacon when you can chow down on some nice slimy wriggling spaghetti?

What the freak is that ear umbrella?

Behold! The mighty dumbo octopus!

Named for its fins that look like Dumbo the elephant’s ears, this group lives in the ocean depths below 13,000 feet, making it the deepest living of all known octopuses.

Oh. Hello there.

I know what you’re thinking. “Wow! That’s deep!” You’re absolutely right. If you scuba’d down there, you’d get eaten before coming close to imploding from the pressure. I’m not threatening you, I’m just stating facts.

Comin through.
NOAA Photo Library

These ear-umbrellas slowly propel themselves through the water using their dumbo fins, and their arms to steer. They don’t have ink sacs because they rarely run into large predators. Their only worries in life are quite literally eat, sleep, procreate. 

Is it too late to sign up for life as a dumbo octopus?

What the freak is that pokemon?

It’s glaucus atlanticus!

This sexy sea slug is actually tiny! It rarely exceeds three centimeters! But don’t take its sting lightly, it feasts on the Portuguese Man-of-War and grows more deadly with every meal.

Roar.
Sylke Rohrlach

The glaucus atlanticus stores the stinging cells of the Portuguese Man-O-War into its own body, biding its time until the perfect opportunity to strike.

Its concentrated power grows and grows until this blue beast of nightmares unleashes it on the poor, unfortunate soul that sees it as prey.

Portuguese Man-O-War
4Neus

This terrifying blue dragon has a special ability called “countershading.”

Floating on its back, the glaucus atlanticus’s brightly colored underbelly blends in with the waves, making it impossible to see from above the water, and its grayish backside blends in with the ocean’s surface, making it impossible to see from below.

But hey! Go swimming this summer. I dare you.